


This Thing Called Love

by MelodicNoise



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic questioning character, Confusion, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I think?, M/M, One Shot, Reflection, Self-Discovery, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27921874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodicNoise/pseuds/MelodicNoise
Summary: Sunflowers: love with sincerity and purity
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	This Thing Called Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~ I wrote this as a vent since this is something I have been struggling with recently and It's short but it's a really personal fic to me;;
> 
> To [Silk](https://twitter.com/Silk_lines): thank you for always being there for me and helping me figure things out. You're someone who's truely like an older sister to me. I love you so much.

Donghyuck sits in the corner of the living room, staring blankly into the sea of his friends around him. The movie casting a blue glow on each of their faces. _It’s weird,_ he thinks. He’s dating Mark but he’s not really sure about how he feels. Everyone teases them saying that they’re so lovey-dovey but he isn’t really sure. There’s this discomfort that sits heavy in his chest and he can’t do anything about it. 

He loves Mark! He really does; but, somehow he’s just unsure. Not about whether he loves him. Rather, whether it’s romantic. 

Donghyuck cares deeply, he’s affectionate and sensitive and feels things for others genuinely, but what is love really? When he thinks back at his crushes, he’s never really cared if the other person feels the same way, or even gone out of his way to make an effort for them to like him back. He’s content with what he has.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. In fact he actually craves that feeling of being in love that’s oh-so glorified in the eyes of the public media. However, love is an indefinable feeling, it’s unique to every person and there’s a million different types, and that’s why he doesn’t really know where he stands.

He loves his friends deeply. So deeply he would die for them if need be. Platonic love is easy to define. It’s something that Donghyuck can feel in the very depths of his soul; it fills him to the brim with all the things that come along with loving another person. From the pain and the heartbreak, to the joys and that soaring feeling of adoration. 

The question then, is where is the line? Because, all of those feelings are said to be the feeling of being in love. That deep longing and affection that squeezes his heart until he’s about to cry from how overwhelmingly his love for them is. The desire for proximity and the willingness to be intimate. The way he would be with them in a heartbeat. That is how people around him describe being in love.

Donghyuck can remember when he had asked his friends how they knew they had a crush. Their responses had all been about intimacy, that person living in their thoughts rent free. To him, that advice has been completely useless. In his mind sex and romance are not inherently attached. He can love someone and not want to sleep with them, but he can also want to sleep with someone without needing that emotional connection. So, where does that leave him?

Donghyuck looks over at Mark. It’s complicated. He loves him, there’s no doubt about it. The issue is that Donghyuck loves all his friends. He looks at Jaemin and Jeno who are snuggled together, about to fall asleep. Renjun who has passed out in Lucas’ lap. Chenle and Jisung who are bickering under their breaths about the semantics of the movie. Donghyuck loves each and every one of them. But does he love Mark differently from them?

Originally, when Mark had confessed his feelings to Donghyuck, he let Mark know he wasn’t sure about how he felt, but that he was willing to go out with him. Since then they haven’t talked about it. They naturally just started dating, and Donghyuck was content with that. Their relationship is healthy. It’s perfect even, Mark brings out the best in him and Donghyuck could never have asked for more. He hangs off Mark every second he gets, satisfying that physical proximity that he craves so much, but in the end it feels like he’s cheating Mark. He doesn’t know if his feelings have changed at all from the time when they were friends, and that means he’s been essentially leading on Mark for months without him knowing any better. 

Donghyuck draws his legs up to his chest and sets his forehead against his knees. Why are feelings so complicated? There’s no definitive list that tells you when you’re in love. There’s no alarm that tells you that you have fallen for someone. So how do people know? Maybe he’s the weird one. For being so easily willing to be with anyone who he’s friends with. Donghyuck replaces Mark with his other friends in his head and nothing feels any different. He’s just as content in all of these scenarios and there’s no ache of not being with Mark. He bangs his head on his knees a couple times when he hears the subtle murmurs of his friends voices while the music of the ending credits roll.

Donghyuck lifts his head to see Mark going around waking everyone up. There’s a chorus of yawns and stretching around the room, and a glance at the clock tells him that it’s almost 1am.

“Do you guys just wanna stay over? It’s pretty late,” Donghyuck says. 

There’s a wave of voices as they discuss the impromptu slumber party and ultimately Donghyuck is met with a round of nods and yes’s. He lifts himself out of the armchair he was occupying and runs to the hall closet to get extra pillows and blankets. The movement a welcome distraction from his own head. When he comes back into the living room they’re playing rock paper scissors to determine who gets the guest bedroom. Lucas and Renjun win and there’s a few sly looks and comments of not to ruin the bed to which Renjun rolls his eyes. 

Finally, when everyone is set up and settled down, Donghyuck and Mark lay in bed. Mark’s breathing is steady but Donghyuck can tell he’s not asleep yet. Rolling over onto his stomach, Donghyuck picks up his phone to do a quick google search. He reads through the different results and is overcome with a sense of relief, but, there’s also a subtle sharp pain that comes with the realization that this might be his reality. 

Setting his phone back down he smushes his face down into his pillow. A soft touch is placed on his back and starts to knead into his muscles. 

“You’ve been off all night. What’s wrong?” Mark’s voice is soft, and comforting, and familiar, and it’s what breaks the dam of feelings held in his heart. His tears are immediately soaked up by the pillow while Mark is a constant. Rubbing his back and telling him everything’s going to be ok. At that, Donghyuck wants to cry even harder, because he knows it’s not. He’s going to break his best friend’s heart. 

When he finally calms down enough Donghyuck has Mark move so that they are face to face sitting criss cross on the bed.

“I think I’m on the aromantic spectrum,” Donghyuck whispers. It’s barely audible, his voice tight with emotion; but, it’s straightforward and to the point.

“I feel like I've been leading you on. I know we have never talked about my feelings, but our relationship has no problems so it didn’t feel like something that needed to be talked about. I love you; but, I don’t want to do this to you. Not when I don’t know where I stand,” Donghyuck struggles through his words. It feels like someone’s crushing his windpipe and he doesn’t dare look up, keeping his eyes fixed on his hands in his lap.

Mark’s hands come into Donghyuck’s field of view and make contact with his cheeks, lifting his face so that their eyes meet. Donghyuck expected anger, betrayal, maybe even confusion or disgust but instead all he sees is affection and sadness.

“I didn’t know exactly what was going on but I had a feeling. Just a small knowing feeling that you didn't feel exactly the same about me,” Mark smiles somberly.

“I love you, and I know you love me too. Even if it’s not the same. I still care about you, and if you want me to. I’ll be there to help you try and figure this stuff out,” Mark whispers. He pulls Donghyuck forward and places a kiss on his forehead before pulling him in for a hug. 

“Thank you,” Donghyuck sniffles into Mark’s shoulder.

**Author's Note:**

> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/cynosureyong) [CC](https://curiouscat.qa/cynosureyong)


End file.
